Monday, February 16, 2009

Surprise, Surprise

Well here we go with another controversial post and me putting it all out there!

I hadn't been to the Doctor in like 4 years, mostly because I didn't have health insurance. Now that I do have it (and feel like I'm giving my right arm to pay for it) I thought I'd use it. So I made an appointment to get a physical done, just to be sure everything is working right.

A few days before I had my appointment I got a message from Kaiser telling me I was due for a pap smear. Yikes! I deleted that message real quick. Like most women I'm sure, Pap tests are not my favorite thing. In fact I dread them and want to avoid them at all costs. I'm sure after I have kids it will probably be a different story, but as of right now I'm a big baby about it.

So the day of my physical comes. I get there and the nurse asks me if I got the message saying I was due for a pap. I told her yes and I'd schedule one as soon as possible (lie, lie, lie). Well, long story short she basically talks me into doing one right then and there. With my MALE family practitioner. Ugh! I'm not the best liar, so maybe she saw right through me. I have to say that Robbie did warn me this might happen the night before my physical, but well I didn't believe him. I thought the doctor’s office might give me a heads up, say when I made the appointment if it was to entail any undressing and uncomfortable situations.

So, there I am sitting on the table, with my gown tied as tight as physically possible in the back wondering how this is going to work. There aren't even any little stirrup things! Surprise again, the little stirrups pop right out from under the table. Yay! I just closed my eyes and tried to find a happy place until the whole uncomfortable experience was over with.

After the exam, the Dr. wanted to talk to me about a few things. Another long story short, he wanted to prescribe me anti depressants. Huh? Sure I have some bad days (just like everyone else I thought) but that seemed a bit extreme (no offense to those who are on anti depressants, as apparently I may be joining you soon!). I pictured the sad little Zoloft bubble and couldn't help but think that is NOT me. So, I basically told him that I didn’t think I needed them, and he backed off. The whole idea of me telling the Doctor he is wrong and I don't need his medicine is almost laughable. I have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm just really hoping that I'm right and he's wrong about this one.

My BMI (body mass index for those who don't know) is a whole different story. They make you weigh yourself fully clothed (shoes and all) and then print it right up on paper with your BMI on it. In the quest to get an accurate number (and make me feel better) wouldn't it make more sense to get weighed with shoes off? I am a girl after all. I don't need the extra pounds shoes add, I've got enough of my own pounds thanks!

The good news is my blood pressure, cholesterol and all the others are just fine.

But I went in there thinking I was going to get on a scale, get my blood drawn and call it day.

Instead, I got violated and told that I need medical help. Hmm... Maybe staying away from the doctor was the right idea after all!


spencer said...

This post made me laugh! Even after having a kid, I don't think the Pap gets any less uncomfortable. You just get used to the uncomfortable-ness of it. However, if it makes you feel any better about having kids, once you are in hard labor and in the hospital, you really couldn't care less about who is doing any exams! Crazy, but true. You get past the point of caring!

Kaye said...

Since you are at Kaiser, I have the best midwife for any future pap smears....I can't believe your FP did that for you...too funny! Sorry Liz! By the way, what is Robbie doing giving advice or opinions about pap smears....he is so lame!!!!

Jessica said...

Your pap story made me laugh. I have a bazillion cysts all over my ovaries so I get an INTERNAL ultra sound every 3 months. And it's always someone different. Talk about feeling violated! I hate when they try to talk to you while they do it too. Like anything's going to make me forget they are probing me with a plastic sonar stick!

Megan said...

Oh Lizzy - I just adore you and the way you can tell a story. Your doc visit did make me smile. I am sorry you have to go through that, but sad to say such is the life of a woman. But I do have to say I prefer a male ob/gyn over a female any day! And yes - I do believe things will change when you have a baby - all dignity is lost - I will have to call and tell you some good stories to make you feel better! I miss you!

Craig said...

Next time ask him if he is using the whole fist.... Anyways, it could have been worse. They could have squeezed both of your boobs into pancakes. And usually they do measure your BMI with your shoes off. There is a scale most doctors use that will tell you your BMI, your water mass and lots of other good info it reads from the bottom of your feet.

Anyways, how does he go from looking at your vag to anti-depressants? Maybe his job makes him depressed. I always thought I wanted to be one, but you have to take the bad with the good and I don't know if the bad would drive me away.