I'm going to preface this post by saying I'm not a vain person. I try not to be judgmental about they way people look, especially not about their weight. I by no means think everyone has to be a certain size and a certain shape to be attractive. There are plenty of people I know who look better a little fuller. Better with some meat on their bones.
Everyone is different, and bodies are made differently for a reason. People come in all shapes and sizes and I like it that way. Variety is essential to keeping things exciting. If everyone was cooking cutter blond and stick thin think of how boring life would be.
Now, please read on:
In keeping up with my December goals, I now get dressed everyday. Part of that is due to the fact that I have to take Brynlee to day care in the morning. So it forces me to put some clothes on, and not work in my PJ's all day. I guess you could call this being co dependent but that is ok. As long as I'm getting dressed, the reason is irrelevant.
Also as part of my December goals, I've really been working on eating better. I know some people don't like fried foods, chocolate, over processed cakes, cookies, candies etc. I am not one of those people. I love them all. Pretty much if it's bad for you, I want it. If it's fried, I'll eat it. If it's made by Hostess, I crave it. Every time I drive by Mc Donald's I must evoke iron will to stop myself from heading for the drive thru. Yes I really do love it there that much.
I'm like a fish, if the food is in front of me on the plate, I'll just keep eating. Even if I was full 5 bites ago. I'll just keep going.
I am a food mongerer. In my younger years, I could eat and eat and eat and eat and not gain an ounce. And eat I did. Then, it started to catch up to me a bit. Love handles got bigger along with my pants size. I went from wearing a size 3 ish to wearing double digits and a lovely extra chin. I was so confused. What was going on here? It is truly shocking how it sneaks up on you. I'd never had to watch what I ate before, what changed? I was baffled.
I realized I had to wield control over my appetite and horrific eating habits. The days of easy eating were gone. I now had to exercise self control. *sigh* Goodbye Peanut Butter Twix bars!
My weight has gone up, my weight has gone down. I can honestly say that my heavier phases were not some of my brighter moments in life. My already low self esteem seemed to take hit after hit during these time periods. I love it when people look at your license picture and say "wow, look at how skinny you used to be". What is that supposed to mean exactly? Really? Think before you speak people!
Alternately, when I was at the weight (or near the weight, are we ever really ever satisfied?) that I felt comfortable at the sun seemed to shine brighter. I felt better in general. I felt healthier, and happier.
And isn't that what it's all about? Your happy weight. Mine might be one number, yours may be another. That is just fine as long as YOU are happy with it.
Enter, my nemesis. The pre pregnancy jeans. As with most women I'm sure, seeing the scale soar to new heights while carrying Brynlee was not the most fun. Throw in a Dr telling you that you need to "watch it" and that "most women let themselves go during their 1st pregnancy, you don't want to be one of those" really put the icing on my cake.
Once Brynlee was out, I wanted my jeans to fit again. I anxiously tried them on about a week post partum. Hmm... not quite. It's strange, after you have a baby you feel so small compared to how you were 1 week ago. I felt a false sense of optimism. My jeans kindly reminded me that I still had a long journey ahead of me.
In the past 8 months I would try those jeans on every few weeks or so. Nope, still don't fit. Nope, still don't fit. Ok seriously? Will they EVER fit again? Ugh. I'd all but given up hope when... Yes! This was the week. This week they fit. Not that I actually wore them. I think they are kinda ugly now. But the point is, if I wanted to wear them I could.
It's just one small step in the right direction, but it's an important one. I think I'll celebrate. Someone pass me a Ding Dong! :) Just kidding. Sort of...
Waiting for James to arrive!
2 years ago