Thursday, March 21, 2013

This Week

I've fallen of the blogging world. 20 days with no posting, yikes! Things have definitely been going on. I find myself troubled with blogs. They are like diaries, but diaries that everyone in the free world can read. Unless you make it private, and then only certain people can read it but still. They are not thoughts I'm sure I want to share with everyone. These past 20 days I've thought of things I could post about. Thoughts and emotions and struggles and worries. But I'm not going to put it all out there. I'll give the edited version instead.

Times in Arizona have gotten a little difficult for me. I find myself super homesick, and no matter of crying or reminiscing can make it better. I knew it would be different living here. I knew there would be hard times, but I didn't realize it would be this hard. I feel lost here. Like I don't fit in anywhere, and it's tough.

It's no ones fault. People are welcoming and friendly. It's just different. And I miss my family terribly. I miss my parents. Sometimes I call their answering machines when I know they are not there just to listen to their voices. I see a note that my mother in law sent and I burst into tears. I think Jimmy is not sure what to do with me at this point because the tears just keep popping up and I don't know how to stop them. I guess this is growing up but it sucks.

This week I've questioned by ability to be a wife, mother, daughter, friend. This week has been a bad one. The worst I've had in a while. For the first year ever my Mom won't be making me a birthday cake for my birthday tomorrow. For the first year ever I'm not looking forward to my birthday, and my last year in my twenties. 29 years old. How did this happen?

I was at the bank the other day and the teller was pregnant. She mentioned the fact that she was pregnant and I couldn't help it, I had to ask. She is due in June, when I would be due if I was still pregnant. I about had an emotional breakdown then and there.

Brynlee had a fit of epic proportions in the store this week. Complete with running from me down the aisles, running into the employee break room, yelling, hitting, the works. Once again it was illustrated that I have no control over my child and that I suck at being a stay at home Mom. And even worse I have no idea how to fix it.

This week was rough. But rough times come and go, and next week will be better. I find myself standing on the edge of a precipice. I can let my sorrow swallow me up. Or I can make the best of the situation I'm in. I'm in a new place with new opportunities and sometimes I forget that. Next week will be better. But I'm more than happy to see this week come to an end.

2 comments:

Heather and Spencer said...

I'm sorry you are having a rough week! I know I don't do change well, even with your bad week, I am sure you are handling it much better than I would! Keep yourself busy and hopefully that will help. And we have all been in that place with our kids, when they are HORRIBLE! Mine both pulled that this week at Best Buy, Camryn even broke their credit card pen thing.

Audrey Spence said...

Moving is hard. When I moved I really missed all of you guys. I still do. That's probably the only thing I really have a hard time with now is not having friends. You're lucky that so many people live out there and you have friends to visit with. But being away from family would be hard. If my family wasn't here I think I would have a much harder time but the no friends thing isn't so bad because I do have family. I'm sure it'll get better. And kids... oh my goodness. Come up here and hang out with Charlotte for a day. I'm sure she'll make Brynlee look like an angel. Seriously. No joke. Just remember Chloe and that is Charlotte but possibly worse. Hopefully things will get better for you. I LOVE it here now. I wouldn't want to live anywhere else. It'd be perfect if my friends were here but for now I settle for seeing Ash once or twice a year since she's the only one close enough to visit when we're in St. George :)