I've fallen of the blogging world. 20 days with no posting, yikes! Things have definitely been going on. I find myself troubled with blogs. They are like diaries, but diaries that everyone in the free world can read. Unless you make it private, and then only certain people can read it but still. They are not thoughts I'm sure I want to share with everyone. These past 20 days I've thought of things I could post about. Thoughts and emotions and struggles and worries. But I'm not going to put it all out there. I'll give the edited version instead.
Times in Arizona have gotten a little difficult for me. I find myself super homesick, and no matter of crying or reminiscing can make it better. I knew it would be different living here. I knew there would be hard times, but I didn't realize it would be this hard. I feel lost here. Like I don't fit in anywhere, and it's tough.
It's no ones fault. People are welcoming and friendly. It's just different. And I miss my family terribly. I miss my parents. Sometimes I call their answering machines when I know they are not there just to listen to their voices. I see a note that my mother in law sent and I burst into tears. I think Jimmy is not sure what to do with me at this point because the tears just keep popping up and I don't know how to stop them. I guess this is growing up but it sucks.
This week I've questioned by ability to be a wife, mother, daughter, friend. This week has been a bad one. The worst I've had in a while. For the first year ever my Mom won't be making me a birthday cake for my birthday tomorrow. For the first year ever I'm not looking forward to my birthday, and my last year in my twenties. 29 years old. How did this happen?
I was at the bank the other day and the teller was pregnant. She mentioned the fact that she was pregnant and I couldn't help it, I had to ask. She is due in June, when I would be due if I was still pregnant. I about had an emotional breakdown then and there.
Brynlee had a fit of epic proportions in the store this week. Complete with running from me down the aisles, running into the employee break room, yelling, hitting, the works. Once again it was illustrated that I have no control over my child and that I suck at being a stay at home Mom. And even worse I have no idea how to fix it.
This week was rough. But rough times come and go, and next week will be better. I find myself standing on the edge of a precipice. I can let my sorrow swallow me up. Or I can make the best of the situation I'm in. I'm in a new place with new opportunities and sometimes I forget that. Next week will be better. But I'm more than happy to see this week come to an end.
Waiting for James to arrive!
3 years ago