Well this weekend was a little rough for me. My Aunt Lynne and Uncle Gary came to town, and I loved visiting with them. But some other things happened that made me question myself and they way I do things.
This is going to sound so stupid, but I was watching the movie Clueless. I love that movie. When Cher realizes she needs an internal make over it got me thinking.
I could use a makeover. One on the outside would be nice, but I'm talking about one on the inside. There are certain things I do (or in some cases do not do) that absolutely drive me crazy.
And, in keeping with the way I usually deal with things I just pretend these things aren't there. The sweep under the rug approach. I'm a big sweep under the rug kind of person. In fact this is how I deal with most problems and things. Except it's not really dealing with them. I think maybe in my head if I ignore certain things they will go away. Well, you can imagine how well that has worked out.
In my desperation to not offend others I've offended the most important person. Myself. I never say what I feel when I feel it and absolutely hate being like that. I hate the fact that I say yes when I really mean no. That I tell people what they want to hear rather than the truth. That I allow myself to be taken advantage of over and over again. That I'm always the first one to say sorry, even when I know I'm right.
I'm not saying I'm going to turn into this super witchy woman overnight. But there are going to be some changes. I can say I'm not scared of how people will react to these changes, but well that's a lie. Considering the fact that I'm a people pleaser of course I care. But I have gotten to the point where I care about me more.
I went to Border's last night and bought a book called “The Nice Girl Syndrome". This book sounds like it was written for me. Apparently I'm one of many women who are like this?
But standing up for myself is just the tip of the makeover iceberg.
This is so embarrassing, but I'm going to tell you what I ate one day last week...
For breakfast I had a piece of pizza. Then I got to work and there were doughnuts, so of course I had to eat one! I ate my normal lean cuisine for lunch, but then there was a birthday so I had a piece of cake. And for dinner, a big huge calorie ridden pot pie. Yep, I ate all that in one day. It's not even about the calories so much as the clogged arteries! Needless to say my diet needs a little tweaking...
I really have become a "Sunday Mormon". I go to church on Sunday, but that's about it. I hardly ever pray anymore and I don't read my scriptures. I get to church late and I run out of the church doors as soon as it's over. I don't go to any activities. I've played both sides, and I know how much happier I am when I do more than just waltz into church on Sundays.
I know I have a long road ahead of me. Rome wasn't built in a day after all. But I'm looking forward to it and can't wait to see the positive changes the new me brings!
Waiting for James to arrive!
2 years ago