Happy 2 weeks to baby Claire! These past two weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions for me. I'll blame the hormones and lack of sleep. After a valiant effort, I've decided that breastfeeding is not for me. I tried, I really did. I did all the research, and I did everything right this time. However things starting getting really bad and I felt old familiar feelings creeping up.
With Brynlee, trying to breastfeed started to make me have post postpartum depression. I would watch the clock constantly, dreading the next feeding. She would start to show signs of hunger and I'd try to do anything I could to make her stop crying so I didn't have to feed her. I started to resent her and the pain she was causing me. It's a truly terrible feeling to dread feeding your baby! It should be a time of bonding, when both parties are satisfied.
These feelings started to appear again with Claire. After getting off to a decent start, things went south quickly and every feeding became a horribly painful experience. On top of that Claire would fuss as I was feeding her, and instead of looking satisfied after nursing for 45 min she would just scream. That, combined with my constant crying and emotional breakdowns made me realize it was time to stop. Racked with guilt, I sobbed all day yesterday as it was the first time we gave Claire a bottle. Having been through this once before, I didn't expect to feel the guilt I was feeling. I turned to the internet for information to see if anyone else had these issues. What I found was hundreds and hundreds of people who are going through and who have gone through the same thing. I realized I'm not alone. A quote from someone on one of those sites really stuck out to me. She said "Breastmilk is best, but baby needs a happy healthy Mommy above all else."
Claire has been so unhappy the past 5 days, I couldn't figure out why. After pumping and feeding it to her, she looked at me and screamed for more. I think she was just hungry! Because since we have give her more food she has been a totally different baby.
I so admire people who breastfeed, and love breastfeeding. It's like the people who love being pregnant. It's great for them, and I'm a little bit jealous because I don't love either of those things. But for me and my family breast turned out not to be best.
Waiting for James to arrive!
2 years ago