A Broken Heart

These past 5 days have completely thrown my world upside down. Jimmy and I were expecting our second child. And until 6 hours ago I was pregnant. After several weeks of feeling like death (thanks to my nemesis, the first trimester)it was time to do an 8 week ultrasound.

Jimmy and I set out for the Dr on Friday feeling excited and optimistic. That all quickly faded though when we were told the baby did not have a heart beat. At first I wasn't sure what to do and the thought was not computing. I've had no bleeding, no cramping. I've been sick as a dog. Everything seemed as normal as can be. But it wasn't. My Dr sent me to a different part of the clinic to get a second ultrasound, just to be sure. Before we went to that ultrasound I had Jimmy give me a blessing.

As soon as the blessing was through I felt peace. But I also felt that the baby was no longer alive. Sure enough the second ultrasound proved that was the case. It was only the second time in 9 years that I've seen Jimmy cry. And I'm glad for that because seeing someone so strong cry made me want to rip my heart out.

So now on top of the traumatic news we were faced with a decision to make. Wait for me to miscarry naturally, or have what's called a D&C where they remove the fetus and all the other stuff associated with it.

We went home in shock and numb. My emotions were all over. First I'd cry. Then I'd be ok. Then I'd laugh. Then I'd cry again. We kept waiting for an answer on what we should do to come to us. I went to work the next day, and tried to focus on anything else. The fact that my body still thought it was carrying a viable pregnancy was like a cruel joke. I still felt tired and sick. And then I'd remember that it was all for nothing and I'd feel crushing disappointment.

We decided that I'd get one more ultrasound on Monday, just to be sure that nothing had changed. If the baby still had not grown and did not have a heart beat we would proceed with the D&C. My Dr told me that at this point in the pregnancy a miscarriage would be very painful, and very very traumatic. The idea of just waiting to miscarry made me want to vomit. Who would know when it was coming? At work? At home alone? In a store alone with Brynlee? I felt like I was standing in front of a firing squad just waiting to be shot. I couldn't take that feeling anymore.

On Monday I went and had another ultrasound. This was only my 2nd experience with this Dr, but I really like the way he handled things. He showed me what we should be seeing. He was patient with me and we watched the screen for what seemed like forever-waiting for a heart beat that never came. I brought my poor mother in law with me, and gave her a list of rules to follow. No hugging me. No complimenting me. No crying. I needed her to be strong so I could be strong. I needed her to be a Cuillard. She told me she is not a Cuillard man. Ha ha, yes Donna I know. But on Monday she acted like a Cuillard man the best she could and I'm proud of her for that.

After sobbing uncontrollably (not in front of Donna of course, because that would be un fair for me to cry and not let her cry) I pulled myself together and proceeded with the D&C prep. I started thinking of all the good things about not being pregnant... and wow there are quite a few. I'm going to take really strong medicine, and hopefully fit back into my skinny jeans. I'm going to eat hot dogs, and lunch meat and not throw it up. I'm going to sleep through the night without peeing 10 times. If I stop to think about how awful this is for too long it gets to me so I have to think on the positive side.

Tonight I had the D&C. I can't even express how thankful I am for modern medicine. One minute I'm in a room hooked up to an IV, the next minute it's all over. I didn't have to see/hear/feel anything. The pain is minimal (for now) and so is the bleeding. I already feel so much better. I'm not sick to my stomach and I feel hope for the future.

To say this was an awful experience is an understatement. I realize how common this type of thing is, and to think about that is horrifying. We are going to take a few months to heal and then will hopefully be blessed with another child soon. It's hard to want to get back in the saddle when you've been kicked of this badly. It's hard to understand why these things happen to people. But I felt the Lord's hand in this the whole way, and even though I don't understand the reasoning behind it I trust that it's for the best.

I came home tonight after the surgery and watched Brynlee sleep for the longest time. Somehow Jimmy and I were blessed with the most beautiful person on the planet. I can't even express how lucky I am to have her. We will have more children. When the time is right. Until then, I'll cherish the one that I have.