Day 25

Day 25-Who are you?

Wow. Vague much? Hmm.. who am I.

Well I'm a mess. In most aspects. I'm so disorganized. Once in a while I get on these kicks where I try to be organized, but then I end up just shoving things places. Jimmy has tried to color code my closet for me a couple of times. But it never sticks for long. I'm not a color coded kind of person.

I see these people with these nicely decorated houses, and cute little outfits and I don't get how they do that. I will always prefer flip flops over high heels. I do try to dress up once in a while, but I always feel like I'm trying to hard, and that it doesn't look natural. I own about 10 black shirts. And like 7 white ones. It's not that I don't like color, but I just always gravitate to those colors. I think because they are easy to pair with stuff. I'm not sure what to do with colors.

I worry too much. So you'd think I'd be organized. Nope, a worrying mess. Bad combination. I have a mountain of clothes on the foot of my bed. I whittle the mountain down, but it grows again. Now it's actually useful because I can hide from Brynlee behind it. She's not an idiot though, she knows I'm there. But it makes me feel better if she can't see me. Then it's like my own room, almost. Will I ever get to the point where I don't have clothes mountains around my room? Probably not.

Which leads me to the fact that I'm lazy. It's not real hard to hang a shirt up is it? No, it's not. But I just don't do it. I don't know how to change that about myself. I change it for like 2 weeks, and then the mountain grows again.

Lastly, I'm lucky. I've been on this kick recently reading all these depressing blogs. The blogs I follow don't usually update too much ( hint hint) so I've been forced to blog stalk people. I guess it's not stalking if you put your blog up on the internet for public viewing. That is what I tell myself. Anyway via other people's blogs I've stumbled upon a few that have kept my busy the past few weeks. One was a family whose 3rd child was born with down syndrome, one was a wife and mother of 4 kids who was dying from cancer at age 31. Two blogs were people who lost their little girls, one girl was 18 months and one girl was 5 months. And another was a family where the mother, pregnant with their 4th child suddenly died ( fetus died too) leaving the dad a widower. I've been addicted to these blogs. And have sat at home crying at my computer pretty much everyday. But have learned a few things too:

1. Calling someone a "retard" for doing something stupid is not acceptable. This was a habit for me, and I'm breaking it. I'm not using that term like that anymore, because it's hurtful to people and it's wrong. I challenge anyone out there who uses that word the way I used to to really think about what you are saying. And to stop saying it.

2. I'm getting my moles checked for cancer ASAP. Jimmy is getting his checked too. The earlier you catch it, the better. Obviously. Not that I didn't know that, but it's become more of a reality now.

3. Time is short, so cherish it. As I read about all these people who have lost loved ones I realize how much I take for granted. And how lucky I am that we are all healthy and together.

Reading these blogs has changed my attitude towards Brynlee. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I'm more patient with her. I enjoy her more. I see how lucky I am that I get to watch her grow and learn and be a kid. As she turned 1 I got my first ping of desperation. Desperation that she is growing and getting older and there is nothing I can do about it. She will never turn 1 again, and it really threw me. I think about how much those two Moms in those blogs who lost their babies yearn to feel like Moms again, and here I am irritated because I have to feed my kid and she makes a HUGE mess every time she eats.

So, I have learned. And I have changed. Who says there is nothing good on the internet?