The Balancing Act

I feel like there is a plague sweeping through. Like it is everywhere tempting us and chasing us. Like there is no escaping it. It’s only a matter of time until you get it and fighting it just a waste of energy.

Worldliness. It’s all over.

I often wonder how healthy it is to live here in California. Southern California especially. It feels like it can really negatively affect someone’s psyche. Granted I’ve lived here all my life and don’t know anything different. But in the limited amount of time I’ve spent traveling, it doesn’t seem to be as bad everywhere else. Still out there yes, but not to this extent.

I find myself pondering on this a lot recently. I feel like everyone here is playing the game of Keeping up with the Joneses. I don’t really want to play that game. I love games yes, but not that one.

When I was a teenager, the boy band craze hit big time. I stayed out of it for a while. I didn’t get caught up it in. I refrained, even though it was all around me. But eventually it got me. I fell into it. Posters of *NSYNC went up on my wall, and I spent my time pining after singing boys I would never have. I don’t regret that. It was a fun time, and now I can look back at it and laugh hysterically. But eventually the mob mentality got to me, and I joined the pack.

It’s like worldliness is a boy band craze. It’s everywhere. Even in places it shouldn’t be. Like LDS church members. For those non LDS’ers, we are counseled over and over again about the dangers of falling into a worldly lifestyle. It is dangerous. It’s fake, and temporary and a very slippery slope. To think that you are better than someone because you have a bigger house than they do, it’s completely ridiculous.

But it’s there. I do feel like I’m being judged, all the time. Judged about how skinny I am, or am not. Being judged about the fact that I use Costco formula rather than Similac. Being judged because I use formula in general. Being judged because I rent a town house with my brother in law and have a baby living in my room. Being judged because my shirt is from Walmart and my pants are from Target. I’m sure part of this is in my head. But I’m observant enough to know that part of it is not. And it makes me sad.

Sad because we as people do this to each other. And sad that I actually care. I’ve gone off about this before, but I hate that fact that we have been conditioned by society to make ourselves feel better by putting others down.

I find myself thinking sometimes, “If I had that pretty $200 purse I would be happy”. “If I lost just 5 more lbs things would be better.” I find myself actually thinking about plastic surgery. Maybe I could use some larger boobs… Really? Really. Are these thoughts really crossing my mind? It’s horrifying. Not that there is anything wrong with breast implants (I’m really not meaning to offend here, to each his own I say!). But for me, no. It’s just not right for me. I’ve never cared about having small boobs before. I was teased all through elementary school for having small boobs. Why is it now I find myself suddenly caring? Maybe if I’d wanted them my whole life that would be one thing. But it never bothered me before and it suddenly does now. Why is that?

It probably has to do with the images that are splashed in my face all day long. On TV, in my magazines, on Facebook. Even on the news for goodness sake. Everywhere I turn is how I’m “supposed” to look. Well guess what. I don’t look that way, and probably never will. No matter what size boobs I have.

The key here is balance. At least I’m in tune enough with myself to know when the balance is being thrown off. Of course we want to look attractive and have nice things. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. It’s when that need starts to take over your life and become priority number 1 is when there is a problem. I should take pride in my appearance, and if I want to splurge on a purse once in a while I think I should. Not a $200 one, but spending a little extra on something nice on occasion is not the end of the world.

No one can make you feel bad about myself unless YOU let them. That is one of those things that is much easier to preach than to practice. Believe me, I know. But it’s so true.

I love that Facebook has allowed me to re kindle friendships with people I’ve fallen out of touch with. It keeps me up to date on people’s lives and I appreciate that. I think there are a lot of positive things about Facebook. But I think there are a lot of negative things about it too. I’m going to go on a Facebook hiatus for a while and see what happens.

I don’t want this plague of worldliness to catch me. I keep trying to resist, but it’s hard. It’s like we are playing tag and worldliness is it. I always sucked at playing tag when I was little. The idea of someone chasing me freaks me out. I’m going to try to fill my time with more positive things to help ward of the bad. My blog seems to be full of challenges. Some have gone better than others (I’m still getting dressed everyday! Yay!). I guess that is what life is all about though. Challenges.