Today

Today was a day where I wondered

How many times I can tell Brynlee to leave her shoes on in the car

How many times can I say "no" to one person

How long this food war that has started will rage on. I guess I deserve it, I was a picky eater and still am.

How long Brynlee's sleep sack will keep her from climbing out of her crib because that is now the only thing keeping her in there.

How it would feel to have no responsibility and to be young and carefree again.

How strange it is that sleeping in now seems like a dream from long ago.

How funny I sounded to other people when I said things like "My children will never _______" (insert pretty much any verb here).

But most of all I wondered how it's possible to love something as much as I do my daughter. Despite the fact that I have to put her socks and shoes on 15 times a day.

Babies

I've taken on some new responsibilities. Withy my quest for my plants to live, I find myself watching them. If they start wilting, I fret. "Are they going to make it?" I ask myself. I water them diligently. Perhaps too much. I'm not sure how much is too much though. I don't want them to be thirsty.

I purchased a bird feeder for our patio. My original intention was to bring birds to our yard because Brynlee loves birds. But I'm finding that I love them just as much. Except for the fact that they are hogs. All of them. These birds are eating me out of house and home. I keep have to refill their bird feeder and I'm wondering how much money I can spend on feeding the wild. Not that bird feed is that expensive. But at the rate they are going, it could be!

I feel like I'm nesting. I'm trying to take care of all these things because my body is telling it's time for a baby. No body, it's not. Not yet. Just a little while longer. So I have these pseudo babies instead. Plants and birds and of course my cat. But she has always been my baby. Except for when she wakes me up in the middle of the night playing with a twist tie in my room. Then I want to disown her.

Speaking of being woken up...

There is a tortoise at Brynlee's school named Pokie. Brynlee loves Pokie. She talks about Pokie all the time. Pokie has been hibernating ( I guess tortoises do that??) so she would tell me that " Pokie night night". Then Pokie woke up. They took Pokie out of his area and had all the kids pet him. But Brynlee was terrified and screamed and cried like someone was trying to kill her. Perhaps a tortoise can be intimidating? Her fear of Pokie has not stopped her from talking about him though. She talks about Pokie in his house, and Pokie's food, and that Pokie is night night again. She talks about Pokie all weekend long. She talks about Pokie at day care all day long.

The other night at 2:30am I could hear her stirring. I went in there and she is wide awake. She looks at me and proceeds to tell me that Pokie is night night. Yes Brynlee, I'm sure he is. I wish you were. I love hearing about Pokie the tortoise at 2:30am. Crazy baby. Yet funny baby. Most the stuff she says is hilarious. Not when she is saying "No!", or " Mine!" though. We've started that phase. I'm not a fan so far. For someone who has to share all day, she sure does not share very well at home. If you sit in her chair she has a complete freak out and tries to push/pull you off. Nice.

I love all the babies in my house. But am finding myself looking forward to adding another. Eventually. :)

A Break for Spring

Last week my school had spring break. Ah. Spring break. I've missed those! I had a list of things I wanted to accomplish. Cleaning, organizing, even some gardening. For once, I got everything done I wanted to! It was great!

I cleaned my bathroom spotless. It was pretty bad. Trust me. It had many many spots. I went through my closet and went through my old books. And I did this:

And this:

I'm trying to grow a green thumb. Strangely, I found potting these flowers the most rewarding thing I did all week. I went to Home Depot and picked out flowers and bought potting soil. Then I came home and planted them, all by my self. I water them every day and give them lots of love. I look out my kitchen window and these flowers make me so happy. In the past I usually forget to water them (oops) and they die. Once again, does it scare anyone else that I'm in charge of an actual human life? Yeah. But this time I have a goal. I want these babies to be around all season long.

I had some fun with Brynlee as well. She was a bit cranky last week. I think it's molars, I see a few new ones in there. But she sure is looking grown up these days!

I might have celebrated a birthday as well. I might be anothe year older. Might be. Ugh. 28. How did this happen? I had the perfect birthday though. Jimmy took the day off from work. We sent Brynlee to school and we just had fun all day. We went on a hike, took a nap, I read and got my nails done. I even got a new pair of shoes. What more can a girl ask for?

I had a great spring break. And had a great kick off for Spring!

Good Timber

A little Sunday food for thought...

Good Timber
The tree that never had to fight
For sun and sky and air and light,
That stood out in the open plain
And always got its share of rain,
Never became a forest king,
But lived and died a scrubby thing.

The man who never had to toil
To heaven from the common soil,
Who never had to win his share
Of sun and sky and light and air,
Never became a manly man,
But lived and died as he began.

Good timber does not grow in ease;
The stronger wind, the tougher trees;
The farther sky, the greater length;
The more the storm, the more the strength;
By sun and cold, by rain and snows,
In tree or man, good timber grows.

Where thickest stands the forest growth
We find the patriarchs of both;
And they hold converse with the stars
Whose broken branches show the scars
Of many winds and of much strife –
This is the common law of life.

by Douglas Malloch

The Only Child Syndrome

Being an only child made me different as a kid. There were not too many like me running around.

Being an only child makes me different as an adult. I NEED alone time. I think I enjoy my alone time more than most. I go to movies alone. I go to eat alone. I go to shop alone. I relish my alone time. I'm not saying I need to be in solitary confinement or anything. But If I reach the end of the day and have had no alone time I start to go a little nuts.

When I worked from home I was alone for 10 hours. It was nice. Yet a little too much. By the end of the day I was definitely ready for some human contact. Now, I'm with a group of people all day long. My only alone time comes at night when I put Brynlee down and breathe that big heavy sigh of relief. Ah. Me time. That is what I think to myself. If it's a night when Jimmy is home I usually sneak off upstairs and sit by myself for a little while. He respects my need for alone time, and I so appreciate that.

Next week is my spring break and I'm super excited. I'm going to do some cleaning, but I'm going to do some couch surfing as well. And I'm going to do some alone time on top of that. I CANNOT wait!

Brynlee is still learning personal boundaries. Sometimes she is so clingy and all over me that is makes me crazy. I just need a little space. Last night I had my idea of an ideal Friday night.

I sat at home alone with my book, watching Sports Center and eating Whoppers. It was awesome. Maybe not to everyone else, but to me it was perfect.

Brynlee has pink eye... again. Yes she just stopped her eye drops on Tuesday and she has it again. Ugh. I'm not sure if it's the same case and it never died or if she got re infected or what. But she was quarantined to the house today until she is not contagious anymore. So I went on my own to run some errands while Jimmy stayed home with her.

I loved it. I actually found myself getting giddy as I walked to the car thinking that I would be alone for a little while.

I don't think this means that I'm cold, or un loving. I love my family very much. But as someone who had a ton of alone time growing up, I need it. I was raised with it and it's part of me. I wonder if other only children are the same way. If I knew any I'd ask them...

I'm a Mom

Brynlee has had a runny nose for the past week or so. No fever or anything, but just a ton of snot. I find myself often wondering how one little nose can make so much snot.

On Tuesday when I got her out of bed she had a crusty on her eye lashes. I haven't had pink eye since I was her age, so I wasn't sure what to look for. She seemed ok, so I got her ready for school. When I got to school to get her out she didn't look quite right. Jimmy came home from work and took her to the Dr. Pink eye. And a mild ear infection. Ugh. Poor thing! No wonder why she has been so grumpy!

We got her some medicine and she was on the road to recovery. I stayed home with her on Wednesday. She had to be on her eye drops for at least 24 hours before she was not contagious any more. I'm not sure why buy pink eye really freaks me out. I Lysol'd anything and everything. I sanitized my hands about 10000 times. I do not want some thing that makes my eye get all goopy. Eww.

On Wednesday by 12 pm she had been on medicine for 24 hours so we were free to leave the house. We decided to go to Costco and Wal-Mart. Costco went fine. We went to Wal-Mart to pick up some pictures. Brynlee was munching on fruit snacks when she started coughing. This kid has a gag reflex like I've never seen. I won't even get into how many times I've been thrown up on. She was still pretty snotty so I don't think that helps. Anyhow, she threw up. Right there in Wal-Mart. Yep. I'm one of those Moms. Luckily for me I had lots of napkins and stuff with me already. And it was only fruit snacks and water. I tried to clean it up as quickly as possible with several sets of judgmental eyes watching me.

This was really nothing though compared to the night before. Brynlee is usually really good at taking medicine. But when she saw me getting her antibiotics out for her ear infection she started to run. I grabbed her and tried to shoot them in her mouth. She spit them out. I pinned her on the ground and tried to shoot them in the back of her throat. She proceed to then gag and throw up all over me, all over herself and all over the carpet. Nice. And as usual when these situations arise I'm home alone. Those times are funny because I think " What do I clean up first?". I didn't even know where to start. All the while trying desperately to avoid touching her infected eye.

So after that some fruit snack water could have been a lot worse. These are the joys of being a Mom.

I was pondering my day with Brynlee on Wednesday. Despite the puking incident in Wal-Mart, I had a lot of fun with her. I was much more patient with her than I normally am. I'm not sure why that is. But I really enjoyed my time with her. I didn't think it was going to be the best day, taking care of a sick baby. But it was. I love being a Mom. Most of the time. By Saturday Brynlee was back to being a mischievous toddler again. I came out of the bathroom to find her with a black sharpie. I thought I had confiscated all those! Sadly this is not our first sharpie incident. Luckily for me she must have just gotten it because the damage was minimal. Besides a black streak on the top of her head. Maybe she was trying to give herself lowlights. :)

Sometimes it still just hits me. I'm a Mom. I was not a Mom for so long it is still kind of strange. I wonder if that feeling ever goes away. I hope it doesn't. It's a wonderful feeling.

In Case you Were Wondering

I've often been questioned about the sports teams I cheer for. I'm not sure why anyone really cares, but they seem too. I find myself rooting for Boston teams. Baseball, hockey, football... and yes sometimes basketball. I've never lived in Boston. I've only been there a handful of times. Yet their teams hold my heart.

I was talking to Jimmy about this the other day. I was trying to explain to him why I cheer for those teams, mainly over my hometown LA ones.

Growing up most of my family lived in Massachusetts. Today it is still that way. Being so far away from family is really hard. Being a country away, and only seeing each other so often I found that I didn't have a lot in common with my family. But this I could share with them. Cheering for the same sports teams they did made me feel close to them. And it still does.

I know it sounds strange. But I like to know when I'm in California watching a Red Sox game that probably most my family is 3,000 miles away watching the same thing. Even though we are not together, we are watching together. I like LA teams just as much as the next person. They are much easier to follow than Boston teams, that is for sure! But Boston teams are comforting and feel like home to me.

Realization

It's funny how things just hit you sometimes. I was thinking today and wham, there it was. Parenting. Jimmy and I could use some work at it. I'm not saying we are terrible parents. But we have some improving to do.

Now that the day care has kindly brought to my attention how Brynlee is not the best behaved, I find myself watching her without rose colored glasses. It's hard because I'm not sure how an almost 2 year old is supposed to act. But she is quite a terror. Whether it's normal or not, it's not a lot of fun. There are plenty of days where I find myself watching the clock, counting down until bed time. I stick her in bed, turn on some music and feel a wave of relief sweep over me. I'm not sure how normal that is.

It would probably help if I could observe other 2 year olds to see how they act. But I'm never around any so....

Disciplining is hard. Harder than I thought it would be. Not just because it makes me feel bad, but it's exhausting. How many times can you put someone in timeout? I'll tell you, a lot. I feel like Brynlee's behavior inevitably comes back to me. And it makes me feel bad because I want it to be better but I'm not sure how to get it that way. It's frustrating because I feel like I'm sucking as a parent and I hate sucking at things.

I remember when I was pregnant I was talking to a lady that I go to church with. She told me you could not pay her to re live the toddler years. I remember thinking "Oh yeah, terrible 2's... whatever". Now I know. It's so funny how it's like that with kids. People tell you things and you don't know until you have one, and then you really know.

I'm not writing this because I'm feeling sorry for myself. Or because I expect a flood of people to tell me what a great job I'm doing. Because I know I'm doing and ok job. But it's not good enough. This week has been a good one. I feel like I learned a lot about myself this week. I need to be more consistent, I need to be more diligent and I need to be more patient. Time to gird up the loins!