One Small Step

I'm going to preface this post by saying I'm not a vain person. I try not to be judgmental about they way people look, especially not about their weight. I by no means think everyone has to be a certain size and a certain shape to be attractive. There are plenty of people I know who look better a little fuller. Better with some meat on their bones.

Everyone is different, and bodies are made differently for a reason. People come in all shapes and sizes and I like it that way. Variety is essential to keeping things exciting. If everyone was cooking cutter blond and stick thin think of how boring life would be.

Now, please read on:

In keeping up with my December goals, I now get dressed everyday. Part of that is due to the fact that I have to take Brynlee to day care in the morning. So it forces me to put some clothes on, and not work in my PJ's all day. I guess you could call this being co dependent but that is ok. As long as I'm getting dressed, the reason is irrelevant.

Also as part of my December goals, I've really been working on eating better. I know some people don't like fried foods, chocolate, over processed cakes, cookies, candies etc. I am not one of those people. I love them all. Pretty much if it's bad for you, I want it. If it's fried, I'll eat it. If it's made by Hostess, I crave it. Every time I drive by Mc Donald's I must evoke iron will to stop myself from heading for the drive thru. Yes I really do love it there that much.

I'm like a fish, if the food is in front of me on the plate, I'll just keep eating. Even if I was full 5 bites ago. I'll just keep going.

I am a food mongerer. In my younger years, I could eat and eat and eat and eat and not gain an ounce. And eat I did. Then, it started to catch up to me a bit. Love handles got bigger along with my pants size. I went from wearing a size 3 ish to wearing double digits and a lovely extra chin. I was so confused. What was going on here? It is truly shocking how it sneaks up on you. I'd never had to watch what I ate before, what changed? I was baffled.

I realized I had to wield control over my appetite and horrific eating habits. The days of easy eating were gone. I now had to exercise self control. *sigh* Goodbye Peanut Butter Twix bars!

My weight has gone up, my weight has gone down. I can honestly say that my heavier phases were not some of my brighter moments in life. My already low self esteem seemed to take hit after hit during these time periods. I love it when people look at your license picture and say "wow, look at how skinny you used to be". What is that supposed to mean exactly? Really? Think before you speak people!

Alternately, when I was at the weight (or near the weight, are we ever really ever satisfied?) that I felt comfortable at the sun seemed to shine brighter. I felt better in general. I felt healthier, and happier.

And isn't that what it's all about? Your happy weight. Mine might be one number, yours may be another. That is just fine as long as YOU are happy with it.

Enter, my nemesis. The pre pregnancy jeans. As with most women I'm sure, seeing the scale soar to new heights while carrying Brynlee was not the most fun. Throw in a Dr telling you that you need to "watch it" and that "most women let themselves go during their 1st pregnancy, you don't want to be one of those" really put the icing on my cake.

Once Brynlee was out, I wanted my jeans to fit again. I anxiously tried them on about a week post partum. Hmm... not quite. It's strange, after you have a baby you feel so small compared to how you were 1 week ago. I felt a false sense of optimism. My jeans kindly reminded me that I still had a long journey ahead of me.

In the past 8 months I would try those jeans on every few weeks or so. Nope, still don't fit. Nope, still don't fit. Ok seriously? Will they EVER fit again? Ugh. I'd all but given up hope when... Yes! This was the week. This week they fit. Not that I actually wore them. I think they are kinda ugly now. But the point is, if I wanted to wear them I could.

It's just one small step in the right direction, but it's an important one. I think I'll celebrate. Someone pass me a Ding Dong! :) Just kidding. Sort of...

Disturbed

Since I'm always on the look out for a new teen drama, I was excited to see a new show called "Skins" was premiering on MTV. I had no idea what it was about, but I added to my list of shows to record with high expectations. It got great reviews! That should have been a warning sign right there...

I'm going to go off on a tangent here and discuss my ideas as to why I love these poorly acted completely un realistic teen shows. As I've gotten older, friends have moved away, responsibilities have tripled and I've replaced wild girls nights with diaper changing and hitting the sac at 9:30pm. Needless to say, life is not quite as exciting as it once was.

These shows, as stupid as they are allow me to take an hour to think about nothing and veg out while watching pretty people deal with never ending issues. It's a guilty pleasure, and I'm not sorry for it!

I was however sorry for giving this show a try. After 2 weeks, it is no longer recording and I'm done with it. They said this show was "iffy for 16 year olds". Yeah. I'm 26 and watching this show made me feel uncomfortable on several occasions. The content is bad enough, but the fact that the characters on the show are supposed to be Juniors in high school it's really disturbing. Not to mention that the kids playing these characters are almost all under 17.

I don't get HBO, or Showtime or any of that stuff for a reason. I like to be able to turn on my TV and know that what I'm watching and that it's censored to the level I need it to be. This show is on MTV for goodness sake, a channel that everyone with basic cable gets. Already 6 of it's advertisers have pulled their support due to the controversial content of the show.

I get that some of you out there may think I'm a movie watching and TV viewing prude. And that's ok, by some definitions I am. But I do consider myself to be fairly open minded. With this show, I felt blindsided. I sat down to watch a carefree teen show and ended up with anything but that. The NY Times reported that some of MTV's executives in recent days have become concerned that some scenes "may violate federal child pornography statutes." Umm if you think your show might violate child porn laws, you've got a problem.

It was also reported this morning that the age range of the audience for this show is 12 to 17. Yes 12! It's outrageous. The most disturbing thing about all of this is that 12 year olds will be watching this show and thinking that what goes on is "normal".

I'll admit, this show has not had any nudity (yet, I'm not sticking around to find out). But in my mind, the content and what's insinuated to be happening crosses the line. A lot. It can't even see the line anymore!

Parents out there, if you have teenagers that watch MTV make sure you block this show. Or atleast watch it with them to be sure it's something you want in your home. I know I don't want it in mine!

Just Dance

Jimmy started school again this semester. He only is taking 1 class, but on Tuesday nights he is gone from 6 to 10 pm. On Wednesday nights he is gone from 7 to 9 ish doing stuff with the youth in our church.

Since Brynlee goes to bed by 8pm every night, I find myself on these nights with some free time. Ah yes, the much desired free time. Once I get the baby in bed, my mind starts to race frantically as I consider all the options of what I could do. I could read, I could bake, I could clean, I could work out (eh...probably not). The possibilities are endless! What to do?? For that few hours the world is my oyster.

I ordered a new game for the Wii, Just Dance 2. I've never played Just Dance 1, but thought it looked fun. On Tuesday this week, I though I'd give it a spin. I'm not much of a video gamer (there is one person in my house who plays enough for all of us :) ) but it didn't look like rocket science.

I usually play a new game for the first time with Jimmy so he can explain how to do it. He just automatically knows how to play all these games some how. It must be a perk of all his experience. Anyhow I turned it on and somehow got a neon colored figure to appear. She started rocking out, and I tried to rock out with her. At one point I think I was just flinging the Wii remote all around trying to get points for my moves. I'm not sure how good my " dancing" looked at that point. My score looked even worse.

After a few songs, I got the idea down. I think. I'm still not sure how you score points or how I manage to do some moves incorrectly and some moves perfect. Who knows? I do find it funny that the song I scored the most points on was " Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" by Wham. I guess I followed the neon colored man doing crazy 80's moves (and boy are they crazy) pretty well on that one. " Jump" by Kris Kross was a complete disaster. The only thing jumping was my score, to an all time low on that song. All and all it was pretty fun. Nothing like that much desired alone time to dance like a nut in your living room by yourself! :)

Way of the Future

I love to read. Have I said that before? :) Just checking. I go into a store like Borders and I could spend 5 hours in there. I find myself going there when I'm feeling blue and it perks me right up. I love the smell of the books, and the way they look in nice little categorized rows. I love everything about Borders, except the prices. I go through great lengths to avoid buying books (or anything really) there.

Sure I go there and look through all the merchandise. I pick out a book I want, and then I come home go onto Amazon and buy it. I guess I'm not the only one who does this because they are struggling to stay open. It seems Borders bleak future is accompanied by Barnes & Noble and Waldenbooks stores as well.

Long story short, pretty quick here we won't have any book stores left. And I am one of the millions of American's to blame. I don't want to pay Borders book prices, when I can go on Amazon and get the same book for $5 less. It makes no sense for me to shop at Borders. But it doesn't mean I want it to go away. I guess I can't have it both ways. It makes me want to run over to Borders now and enjoy it while I have it!

As bookstores seem to be on they way out, I can't help but think that actual books are soon to follow. I'm old fashioned, so no Nooks or Kindles for me. Yet anyway.

I like the way a book feels in my hands. I like to look at how many pages I've read when I'm near the end and have that feeling of accomplishment. I like the way a brand new book smells, like it's hot off the press. A Nook can't give you that (unless they are making scented Nooks? Correct me if I'm wrong...)

I'm sure I'll end up getting one eventually, likely because I won't have a choice. Bookstores and actual books seem to be on the way out. I guess I either need to learn to adjust or find a new hobby!

We're going to the Zoo, Zoo, Zoo

I love the Zoo! There was a point in my life where I considered trying to become an exotic animal keeper, but I went with Geography instead. You know, for all the money and glamour. :)

Anyhow, we decided to go to the Wild Animal Park and San Diego. I had so much fun! It's not quite like a Zoo, in that the animals have these huge areas to roam about. A lot of animals ( the non carnivorous ones) are in the same area and interact with each other. Here is a bit of what we saw.



I love giraffes! There are one my favorite animals. At one point they all came running down this hill because it was lunch time. I didn't know they could actually "run" but run they did.







These eagles were injured in the wild so they can't fly. They are kept in a smaller coop, where I guess they just hop around from branch to branch? Poor things.



A wild "Jimmy" in his natural habitat. He was thrilled that I made him take this picture. :)







The lovely San Diego Temple, minus the construction they were doing on it earlier this year. And then my camera died, so that's the end of the trip.




I swear it's not child abuse. She actually fell asleep this way a month ago, holding her paper cup that she loves to play with. While she seemed comfortable as can be, we didn't leave her like this for too long. It looked too painful!

Resolution

I realize I suck at taking pictures. Not the actual taking of pictures (not that I'm so great at that) but I never get the camera out and take them! I think I take for granted the fact that I have someone in my life who takes enough pictures for 10 people (not going to name any names here, you know who you are! :), so I just don't bother to get my camera out and take them.

I find myself thinking "If I had a nice new camera I'd take more pictures...". That statement describes me in a nutshell. Some of my trademark lines include "If I had more time I'd keep up with my correspondence better" or , or "When I'm a stay at home Mom I'll clean more", and my favorite "If I had that exercise video/piece of equipment/gym membership I'd actually work out". *Sigh*.

Who am I kidding?

At least I recognize this about myself though right? How to fix this, I'm not sure. I have these things I want to do, and wish I did them. But when it comes down to it I just don't do it. One more to add to my list of things to resolve.

Our anniversary trip was really fun. I actually do have some pictures from that... at least up until my camera died. Yes ironically the one time I take out the camera to take some pictures it dies. I just need to upload them all on my computer which I find to be one of the most tedious things ever.

Lastly, the Patriots lost yesterday. There I was poised and ready on my couch with my Patriots shirt on to see a great game. What I got was crap. Just crap. :( Boo!

I'm having a really bad sports couple of years here. I guess that is what happens; you win some you lose some. It feels like for a while I won there and now I just lose. I really don't care THAT much, not like when the Red Sox lost to the Yankees in the 2003 ALCS and I didn't leave my bed the next day. It's just a bummer to not see Tom Brady's face for a while. Ladies, if you don't know who that is Google image him. You won't be sorry. You can thank me later. :)

Letting Go

This week has been a wild one. After much effort and debate, Brynlee started day care on Tuesday. Since August we have had a revolving door of people helping me take care of her while I'm working. They have all been great, but it just got exhausting. This way she has a steady schedule and lots of social interaction.

It seems to have been an easy transition for her, for me not so much. So far when I bring her there (yes I get stuck with the drop off, and Jimmy gets to pick her up...) she smiles and is happy as a clam to be around other kids. The first day I cried all the way to work, and at my desk for the first few hours of the day.

Leaving her is hard, and no matter how much I push it aside I still feel like a failure as a parent. I vowed to never put her in day care, and here she is. Even though I know it's only temporary, every morning I feel like I'm giving my baby away.

It has gotten better (no tears since the first day), but I'm wondering if it will every get easy. Probably not. For all you stay at home Moms out there, be grateful that this is a feeling you will never have to experience!

On a different topic, today Jimmy and I have been married 5 years. I can't believe how fast it's flown by. Tomorrow we are heading to San Diego for the weekend to enjoy some baby free alone time. We are going to the Wild Animal Park, and I'm so excited!

Puzzled

Happy New Year!

Jimmy and I rang in the New Year at home, with just the two of us. Yep, super exciting! Actually it wasn't bad. There is never anything to do on New Years it feels like. So this year instead of desperately trying to find something to do, we just sat. And were in bed by 12:05am, no joke. We almost didn't make it to midnight! You know you are getting older when...

I love the beginning of a New Year. It's like you have a clean slate and anything is possible. Maybe in 2011 I'll win the lotto, or finally get that 6 pack I've always wanted. Maybe I'll go to Paris, or maybe I'll buy a house. You never know and I love that. It's like the beginning of everything, a new relationship, a new diet, a new exercise regimen. The beginning is where you think anything is possible and cold hard reality hasn't hit you yet. Ahh, ignorance is bliss! :)

This New Years day Jimmy and I were quite productive. We took down all our Christmas decorations and cleaned, cleaned, cleaned. As much as I love putting up Christmas decorations, I HATE taking them down. It is so depressing it leaves me wanting to eat something fried and take a long nap afterwards (a Mormon girls equivalent to a stiff drink). The only thing I can think of doing to mask the emptiness that I now feel in my home is decorate for Valentines Day! Yay! Robbie is so excited about this idea, he practically leapt off the couch to help. :)

Brynlee's fits have eased off a bit. I think she has realized they don't work with me. Like my friend Audrey said, I'm stubborn enough to outlast the fit. I won't give in, and she'll get tired of throwing it before I crack. Ha! Victory!

Brynlee is not too thrilled when it comes to eating fruits now. She only eats vegetables enthusiastically. She will eat prunes occasionally if I keep shoving them on her to help her intestinal issues ( yes poop, I'm taking about poop). The Dr also recommended I try to give her water, which she continues to hate. I've tried to give her finger foods, which she proceeds to spit out and then looks at me like I'm trying to kill her. I keep trying to give her these things every meal, and she keeps giving me the baby death stare. Maybe she will be a formula drinking vegetarian for the rest of her life? I guess there are worse things...

I realized this feeling of frustration is one I've had before, and then it hit me. Having a baby is like a live puzzle that you are constantly trying to solve. Just when you think you have an idea of what you are doing, the puzzle/baby throws another obstacle at you. And so it continues; figure out one problem and another arises. It's like a baby is a human Rubik's Cube. Looks like it can't be that hard, but once you get in the trenches you are shocked at how exhausting trying to get all those colored squares on one side really is.

I never did figure out the Rubik's Cube, I gave up. As I tend to do with most challenging things (which would explain my lack of skills with most things). Guess that is not an option here? Just kidding, not that I want to give up on this challenge. I'm just learning how patient I really can be. It's amazing! We'll see what challenges Brynlee/Baby Rubik's' Cube throws at me tomorrow!

Happy 2011 everyone!!